It’s funny isn’t it how we love our kids, watching them intently as they learn new skills and getting frustrated in the process of mastering how to put a triangular object into a triangular shaped hole of the shape sorter that’s been tossed oh so delicately to the other side of the room (sarcasm by any chance?!) Yet by the end of each day I find myself counting down the remaining hours after dinner until my little boy goes to bed. Why is that and does it make me sound ungrateful or a bad mum that I just cant wait for him to go to bed so I can have some ‘free’ time? I’m 99 percent sure that I’m not the only mother out there who also relishes in the fact that after 7pm the wine can be cracked open with your feet up at some point after the Adult dinner prep and general clear up of the days destruction has been completed, to be honest sometimes I don’t even get as far as the clear up! The wines already out, feet already up (I’ll deal with the mess later!)
Dylan was wanted so much, he was such a miracle baby to us that I beat myself up over the slightest negative thought that pops into my head. I feel selfish, ungrateful even. How dare you want some time to yourself! How dare you think about your own needs! I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, every mother needs her space but I do, I punish myself for the tiniest of moments where I think to myself ‘I just need five minutes from you to recompose myself, go to the loo or have a hot cuppa rather than a cold one!’
It’s totally normal to feel this way, especially as a new mother who’s never done this before with every day a new set of dramas or surprises. It’s a really hard adjustment to make from flying solo to trundling along with a little shadow attached to you and anyone who says their first child was easy is either very lucky or lying. I knew it was going to be tough but wow, some days are a marathon from start to finish. I should have known it wasn’t going to be just tough it was going to be testing and challenging and demanding due to the fact that both me and Dylan’s father are both very stubborn people, of course it was going to be ingrained into Dylan how could it not be.
I love my little T-Rex beyond the universe and more but it doesn’t mean I want to be around him all the time. Personally I don’t think that makes me a bad mother, I think it means I’m human. Its so important to get some time away, to be yourself whether its going shopping by yourself (uhh, yes please!) or going out for a date night with your partner (sorry? Whats a date night again?) Having a long hot bath which must be strictly uninterrupted might I add or just being able to have that cup of tea with your feet up for 10 minutes to relax. Forget the dishes, washing or whatever else is calling you it can wait. Nothing is more important that our sanity, yes?
Although I look at the clock for the final countdown to that holy grail of bedtime I also look at the monitor every night and watch him sleeping with huge amounts of affection and love. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, I’m doing the best I can and if your reading this thinking you can relate to the feelings of guilt and self punishment then you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself either most of us are in the same boat, most of us are thinking the same thing. I think we need to cut ourselves some slack, crack open that bottle of wine and put our feet up, we all bloody deserve it!