Work experience

I’m currently doing work experience for the next 17 years I’m already a year down so I’ll explain a little about the role. The job is varied, so if you like new challenges everyday then this job is the one for you! There are long hours, you’ll maybe only have a chance to sleep for a few hours to begin with but as time progresses you’ll have the chance to sleep for longer periods and if you’re lucky, the whole night. It’s also a messy job so make sure you bring spare clothes with you, vomit and poo are mostly likely to be the worst culprits but there will also be a spell or two of steady dribble and snot. Other factors in the job role are tidying, washing, cooking, teaching, first aid, Entertainer, animal impersonator (the standard is a horse I believe), storyteller, scatological researcher and learning the art of ‘OM’ (this one’s extremely important to the job role).

You’ll be pushed out of your comfort zone and pushed to the limits of patience, there’s no need to fill out an application form for this role however to start the process you’ll need some intelligent (this one’s debatable) tadpoles. If you like plastic, have no fear this job role comes with all kinds of plastic paraphernalia, some that sing, some that squeak and some that do damage to the undersides of your feet making you want to use all kinds of profanity but I’m afraid this has to be kept to a minimal. It’s not stricken off entirely but, you’ll find you become a creator of new words to replace many of the originals (fudge-pops are my personal favourite and sugar which is a golden oldie).

There are perks to the job, you’ll be able to tune into your inner child, express your artistic side through expressive dance to a small audience, eat chocolate for breakfast/lunch and dinner and once in a while you’ll get an bonus for your hard work in the form of a shower or a cup of hot tea rather than the standard luke warm/cold variety. The biggest perk is feeling your heart expand, like the grinch a sudden rush of feelings will take you by surprise at any given moment and on multiple occasions.

This job role comes under the description of ‘high risk,’ medicinal wine should be stored in the cupboard at all times along with sprits and mixers, just to make you aware like a lot of medicines driving after taking is forbidden/strongly advised against and only take during or after a meal a packet of crisps or three are usually a good accompaniment, and you should feel instant relief after consumption. Other medicinal items include Chocolate, ice cream, Squashies (insanely addictive, and not to be taken for more than three days) and lastly you should always have ASOS to hand for those last minute ‘all my clothes are ruined with sick’ occasions.

You get paid in the form of biting, sore nips, leaky boobs, weaken pelvic floor, hair loss, night sweats, floppy stomach, pink eye if you’re lucky, scratches, kicks to the face, tantrums, but most importantly love and thats the bit that makes it all worth while. This job role isn’t for the faint hearted and should be considered very carefully before entering into. The role it’s self is called Motherhood.


3 thoughts on “Work experience”

  1. Omg I bloody love this. Sat here nodding to every word you wrote. Thinking y did I sign up to this job role. But then I look at the pay check? (Hahahah yeh right) I mean look at my beautiful babies and wouldn’t change anything for the world. Xxx


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