I thought that becoming pregnant second time round would be different, that I would be more relaxed, calm and level headed, but this is most certainly not the case. My womanly cycle has been a bitch, never really knowing what is going on I tested twice with two big fat negatives so, I put down my two month long arse cycle down to my PCOS causing my bodies elusiveness for good old Aunt Flow. I just had to ride this one out and hopefully start again when I finally had a period! It was getting silly, cycle day 61 and still no sign?! I called the doctor for a blood test who told me ‘There was no point’, if I’d have had two negative tests it was unlikely that I would have a different reading from a blood test. I felt deflated and unsupported by a doctor who clearly wasn’t in the mood to hear about my embarrassingly gassy backside and achy ovaries. Despite her views on how much of a waste of time the blood test was going to be I pushed for it and booked myself in anyway.
That night Simon and I decided to eat a truck load of cheese and sink at least a bottle of cheap red plonk, I headed off to Tesco and bought the necessaries. I passed the baby aisle and scanned the vitamins finally landing on the pregnancy kits. I whacked the cheapest Tesco kit in my basket and headed for the tills, I wasn’t about to spend another penny on those Clear Blue digital tests that was for sure!
I got home, unloaded the cheese and salami, wine etc and darted into the bathroom, pee’d on the stick and went of top stuff my face. I came back to see a faint second line… Nooo, I thought. My eyes had got to be playing tricks on me! ‘Siiimonn! … Does this look like a line to you?’ Sure enough there was a line, I took the second test (you know to be sure) and sure enough another faint line appeared. I frantically shovelled the contents of my bathroom cupboard out onto the floor and found a clear blue digital test and took that, just to make doubly sure! Two positive tests and a digital test analysing my pee, I couldn’t look. What if the other two were just crap because they were cheap Then there it was. PREGNANT!!! …. 1-2 WEEKS!!! Ok, calm down. Excited? Confused? Worried? Yes, all of those and more. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had conceived extremely late and that might impact on the pregnancy, another thought entered my head, ‘WHAT ABOUT THE CHEESE AND WINE?! I can’t really have any of it now!’
I called the doctor the next day and told her that I didn’t need the blood test anymore, a part of me wanted to see her face fall knowing she hadn’t been particularly helpful, and I’d been right, but in all honesty I’m now more concerned with not shitting myself with anxious thoughts from passed experiences. The one thing I cannot go through is another loss. I’ve been out and bought every relaxing candle and bath oil you can think of to calm the mind from those intrusive thoughts, but I’m still finding it hard not to stress. 10 weeks to go until we find out if baby number two is with us for the long haul, I’m praying that third time round is as happy as our second time.
So currently the doctor will chart our pregnancy at 4 weeks pregnant, two weeks before conception. I’m 4 weeks pregnant. 4 weeks. I’m terrified.
** Since composing this blog post we can excitedly reveal that we have had our 12 week scan with our newest addition doing great. We’re excited for the newest chapter that is about to start and I cannot wait to document and share it all with you.